‘Tis the season when I’ll be sitting at the bar, having a drink — minding my own business — and overhead something truly foul, something that never should have been forced upon the public, will play for 3.5-4 minutes.
Yes. Christmas music. And not just any Christmas music. The WORST.
(In no order, because how would I quantify it?)
1. “Christmas All Over Again,” Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. From “You Got Lucky” and “Breakdown” to this. For shame.
2. “Silent Night,” Stevie Nicks. Mind you, I’m a fan of the raspy-voiced Welsh witch wannabe. But dear heaven this song with its endless “Well it was a … silent … night” refrain will make you want to stab yourself in the eye.
|Because I like her, I’ll give her a nice picture|
3. “The Little Drummer Boy,” Bob Seger. An amazingly terrible version of an unabashedly awful song. Where’s that silver bullet when you need it?
4. “Little Saint Nick,” The Beach Boys. Full disclosure. I pretty much hate the Beach Boys. (Well, except for “Don’t Worry Baby.”) But this song makes “I Get Around” seem like Johann Sebastian Bach.
5. “Mele Kalikimaka,” Bing Crosby. I can’t even think of anything to say. I’ve never heard it all the way through because I’ve always fled.
6. “Christmas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End),” The Darkness. Spectacularly tuneless, frenetic, and strangely maudlin, too.
7. “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town,” Bruce Springsteen. You know, there’s a place for Bruce. The flannel, the copious perspiration, the absolute refusal to rock more than the same three chords once he gets started. But any little children forced to listen to this could only think: WTF?
|“One … more … time…”|
8. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Band Aid. Or as they should have been called, Egos on Parade. A nice message and a lousy song, still played occasionally to make us all thank heaven the 80s are over.
9. “Hey Santa,” Wendy and Carnie Wilson. In which the Wilson sisters manage to sound even dumber than they looked on the single’s cover.
|All we want for Christmas is … brains…|
10. “Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time,” Paul McCartney. Or as I like to call it, final definitive proof of what happens when a great musician doesn’t have a fellow genius (Lennon) around to shame him out of writing lyrics.