|This is the hardback’s cover|
This post may seem a bit off-topic, considering I usually blog about Victorian or Steampunk stuff, but the reason I brilliantly titled my blog Stephanie Abbott’s Blog was to reserve the right to discuss anything. So having finished the first four books of George R.R. Martin’s seven-book series, I feel the need to spew out thoughts and reactions to the web at large. If you want to remain unspoiled, DO NOT READ THIS. IT WILL BE CRAMMED WITH SPOILERS FROM START TO FINISH. Part of Martin’s genius is his ability to make you wonder what comes next. If you find out early, you’re cheating yourself.
Anyway, like Martin, I’ll break it down by characters:
|My new TV son|
Here’s what I think about Jon. I think Prince Rhaegar married Lyanna as well as Elia. (The dragon has three heads, in case you slept through book 4.) Lyanna gave birth to the Prince Who Was Promised as Robert (who insisted to himself and everyone that Lyanna was carried off against her will) killed Rhaegar on the Trident. Meanwhile, Ned cut his way into the castle where Lyanna was confined to give birth. Knowing that she wouldn’t live, and knowing what happened to Princess Elia’s children at Robert’s command, Lyanna made Ned swear he’d raise his nephew as his own bastard. (“Promise me, Ned…”)
This would explain many things, including why Ned was so set against condoning Robert’s witch hunt against Dani and her unborn child. He’d lived with the fear of the same thing happening to Jon for years!
In other words, I think Jon Snow is actually Jon (Aegon) Targaryen, the Crown Prince. I think he’d make a nice husband for Dani, too. It’s a song of ice and fire — he’s snow and she’s unburnt, so there you have it.
|Perfect look for the character, don’t you think?|
I have no idea. Drogon ATE a child? Yikes. She needs a Maester with some dragon lore, stat. I wonder if Victarion will come to woo her, and she will actually wed him to get his fleet. Isn’t her second hookup supposed to be for duty? If they marry, I promise his bad luck with wives will soon prove fatal.
|I look even better here…|
|… then I did in Shrek.|
I adore this character. Getting his sword hand chopped off was the best thing that ever happened to him. Now he’s using his BRAIN and it’s a nice change. Plus I think he’s paid for the crime of pushing Bran out that window — in the parlance of the realm, now he’s a cripple, too. Since Cersei came into the world first, I do believe that makes Jaime (as well as Tyrian) Cersei’s “little brother.” I hope it will be Jaime who strangles her, not Tyrian. Simply because it will make the end all the more bitter for Cersei. And while I am wishing, I’d like to see Jaime and Brienne settle down in Casterly Rock to breed a passel of tall, strong, halfway-decent looking children. Why do I doubt I’ll get my wish?
|“I’m only a little lion.” (One of 10,000 great Tyrian lines)|
Okay, when Tyrian got most of his nose sliced off at the end of book 2, I shook a fist at the sky and shouted, “Damn you, GRRM! Wasn’t he unattractive enough? Why add injury to genetic insult?” Now I think I know why. (1) So Cersei would know all those heads were fake. (Talk about a tough year to be a dwarf!) (2) So Tyrian will be so distinctive, there is NO WAY he could hope to go anywhere and start a new life. So where is he hiding? I think Bronn is much too obvious, and Bronn would sell him out to become Lord Bronn. I think paranoid Cersei, always hearing soft movements around her bedroom like mice, is actually hearing Tyrian in the secret passages of Maegor’s Holdfast. He’ll reappear when the time is right. In fact — with Margaery and Cersei imprisoned, Jaime away and poor little Tommen all alone, this might be the perfect time for Tommen’s favorite uncle to reappear! Wouldn’t Tommen love to see a familiar face who will promise to arrange Margaery’s release and make everything okay again?
|Don’t make me put this knife up an orifice even Renly never found.|
Okay, I’ll admit it, GRRM is scaring me a little here. Poor Arya, such a live wire, forced to endure disaster and privation and horror until she’s a soulless little murderer. Yes, the singer was an oathbreaker and a jerk, but nevertheless, Arya murdered him. In general the fiction gods do not look kindly upon this sort of thing. As Gandalf told Frodo: “Many who live deserve death. Many who die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Do not be too quick to deal in life and death, Frodo. Not even the very wise can foresee all ends.”
So here we have Arya in the House of What the Fuck learning Whatever the Hell and then waking up blind? I am hoping the blindness is temporary, perhaps to teach her to trust again, since as a blind person, she’ll be dependent on others for nearly everything. Otherwise, I keep wondering how much worse it can get for her. It’s funny, at first I was terrified she would fall in love with Gendry, discover her girly-princess-self, and put aside Needle to bear Gendry black-haired, blue-eyed sons. Now I am praying her final fate is anything half so gentle. I also used to hope Syrio was still alive. Then I thought maybe he transformed himself into Jaqen and she’d meet him again as the Sphinx in Oldtown. But I don’t know. I hope Arya’s storyline will ultimately be awesome. At least away from Westeros, there’s no danger of her running into Stoneheart.
|I really should have dated the Hound when I had the chance…|
For a long time I thought Sansa would finally discover her Inner Wolf and BURN JOFFREY DOWN. But no. No matter what calamity befalls her, she remains gentle and sweet. I am starting to think that is the point of her storyline — that she holds on to that part of herself no matter what. So far her bravest acts have been to comfort the Hound (twice), comfort the fearful during Cersei’s Battle of the Blackwater feast, and carry loathsome little Robert across the great divide, well aware his seizures could send her tumbling to her death. I don’t know what will become of her. I don’t know what to make of Littlefinger’s devotion to her, either.
|The dragon’s third head? I wonder…|
I have the craziest idea he will fly on dragonback someday. I also have the notion that Coldhands is his Uncle Benjen. Usually I have proof of some kind, but not this time. Just hunches.
RANDOM CHARACTER ROUNDUP:
Rickon: I fear the Littlest Wolf will end up murdered and transferred into his Direwolf. It’ll happen to one of them, I just know it.
Brienne: Again, GRRM, she was already ugly as sin, did you have to let Biter EAT part of her cheek? Is this so I, the reader, will recognize her head dipped in tar? Why do you make me love these people and then torment me so?
Varys: I have a feeling he won’t take kindly to the vivisection and necromancy practiced by Qyburn.
Qyburn: Is it just me or did he suddenly start promising an unstoppable champion? Has he cobbled together Ser Frankenstein from the Mountain and other victims?
Ser Loras: I suppose he could have survived the boiling oil if he were armored, not to mention lucky. Will his great beauty be lost? I would still like a flashback explaining how he and Margaery decided she would marry and bed Renly, the love of his life. Not that I think it’s unbelievable, I just would like the hear the discussion.
The Ironborn: Meh. I can’t even care if Theon is being flayed slowly by the Bastard of Bolton. Too much time has passed.
Littlefinger: He is a joy. I loved his homecoming, when the housekeeper of uncertain virtue assured him, “There’s a dung fire burning!” When Littlefinger suffers his inevitable comeuppance, I will miss his cheerful wit.